


dancing's not a crime (unless you do it without me )

by raedear



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Established Relationship, Family Dynamics, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Most established relationship to ever be established, Slice of Life, husbands being silly because they can be, mild breakfast dance-off
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29156955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raedear/pseuds/raedear
Summary: Nile liked to think she was getting to grips with reading the others. She knew when Andy was feeling playful by the way she looked from the corners of her eyes for any mischief she could cause. She knew when Joe was rambling to fill the silence and when he actually wanted to talk, and she could tell when Nicky was happy with company and when he wasn’t. She learned when to give Joe and Nicky a bit of privacy very very quickly.Sometimes though, they still utterly mystified her. Case in point: something was definitely going on with Joe and Nicky. Not their usual something. Something new.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 18
Kudos: 261





	dancing's not a crime (unless you do it without me )

**Author's Note:**

> Chat in the server turned to the ao3 tag generator, and it somehow turned into me being challenged to write something on the theme 'mild breakfast dance-off'. Buon appetito.

Nile liked to think she was getting to grips with reading the others. She knew when Andy was feeling playful by the way she looked from the corners of her eyes for any mischief she could cause. She knew when Joe was rambling to fill the silence and when he actually wanted to talk, and she could tell when Nicky was happy with company and when he wasn’t. She learned when to give Joe and Nicky a bit of privacy very _very_ quickly. 

Sometimes though, they still utterly mystified her. Case in point: something was definitely going on with Joe and Nicky. Not their usual _something_. Something new.

Firstly, Joe was awake, and given that he usually tumbled out of bed closer to noon during downtime, seeing him in the kitchen next to Nicky in the sluggish spring morning light was cause for concern. Secondly, there was something distinctly odd in their postures. Something about the way they held themselves was different, something had changed. Nile squinted at them from across the room, worrying the problem in her mind like something caught between her teeth. She couldn’t quite tell yet what was wrong, but she’d figure it out. 

They weren’t touching, which wasn’t necessarily unusual. They touched each other a lot, little incidental brushes of their fingers, hip checks, a bump of one’s forehead to the other's shoulder, but they weren’t attached at the hip. They could go hours without even looking at each other and it didn’t seem odd at all. This wasn’t that. 

Nicky straightened his arm, reaching for something on a shelf above the sink. Joe moved with him, his legs shifting oddly as he stepped around Nicky to stand on his other side. Nile watched him go, tilting her head to follow the movement. 

Neither of them flinched when the backdoor swung open two feet from Nicky, but Nile jumped in her seat, her attention snapping immediately to Andy, who was stomping her feet on the door mat, knocking mud from her boots. Andy smirked at her, and Nile sighed internally, knowing the rest of the day at least would involve Andy jumping out at her from every corner of the house to make her jump again. 

Joe moved again, reaching across Nicky’s body for a bowl on his other side. Nicky ducked out of reach in a strangely jerky movement, at odds to his usual casual grace. Andy swore under her breath and pointed at them. Nile sat up straighter to watch her.

‘Nope. We’re not doing this today. Figure it out some other way.’

Nicky shrugged, whisking eggs in a bowl. Joe sprinkled a handful of spices in, both of them stepping together towards the sink, a careful distance between their legs. Something started to spark in the back of Nile’s mind. 

‘No, _Nicky._ No. You know how you get, figure out whatever it is some other way,’ said Andy, sharp and commanding. Somehow the twitch in the corner of her lip where she was hiding a laugh didn’t undercut it so much as reinforce it. 

Joe took the bowl from Nicky. Their hands didn’t touch, but Nicky did something strange with his arms. It took Joe going the long way around Nicky to put it down on the counter, Nicky moving in time with him, for Nile to realise they were dancing.

Admittedly, dancing like she’d only seen at the ren faire she used to visit in the summer with her brother, but still. Dancing. She could see it now, the weird motions she’d noticed in Joe’s legs were his careful footwork. Nicky’s odd arm movements must have been some constrained version of whatever he was actually supposed to be doing with them to account for his cooking. 

Andy flopped down on the couch next to her and shamelessly lifted the cup of coffee from her hand, draining it in two long pulls. Nile sighed, audibly this time, and accepted the empty mug when Andy handed it back to her. Across the room, Nicky did a strange little twist under the distant sweep of Joe’s arm while he lit the burner on the hob. 

They sketched a bow at each other, right leg extended long and straight in front, foot tipped up at the heel, all weight on the left leg as it bent beneath them, heads dipping down for a beat. Nicky poured the egg mixture into the pan on the hob as he straightened up. 

There was a beat as Nicky shook the pan, before they started moving again. Nile was begrudgingly impressed through her confusion. They didn’t seem to acknowledge each other at all beforehand, and yet they moved as one, Nicky stepping back as Joe stepped forward, their legs matching pace as their bodies almost but not quite met in the middle. Joe took the panhandle from Nicky’s hand as Nicky moved around him in a smooth circle, hand lifting to trace the curve of Joe’s chin before he reached behind him for the salt. Nicky lifted his leg in another odd motion as he took his original space again and Nile realised— a tango. They were dancing the single weirdest tango she had ever seen. 

They still weren’t touching. They weren’t even looking at each other. It would be impressive if it weren’t so uncanny. 

They moved faster as they worked. Joe laid slices of bread on a baking sheet without ever stopping the movement of his hips. Nicky matched him as he flicked the eggs in the pan, turning them over above the heat. Nile couldn’t help but notice that Nicky was just that little bit less controlled in his movements than Joe. He had been patiently teaching her how to wield a sword over the months they had spent together, walking her through footwork and arm drills and stances and usually he was poetry in motion. It was becoming clearer to her with every moment they danced together in the kitchen that it was pure muscle memory Nicky had to thank for his grace. 

Joe followed a clear beat, even if it only existed in his head. Nile could see it, in the shift of his hips, the flick of his wrists. Nicky, on the other hand, followed Joe. He moved a hair behind as Joe led them across the expanse of the counters, his entire body attuned to every shift of Joe’s mass, even without looking at him. She had noticed, when Joe and Nicky sparred, and when they fought together on missions, that Joe relied on quick movements and graceful dodges. His saif was as much an extension of his body as Nicky was. Nicky, on the other hand, was a powerhouse; all strong and brutal movements, his broadsword and broader shoulders turning him into a tank on the field. She could see the echoes of it now between them. Nicky was just that little bit slower to move on each turn; Joe was just that little bit lighter on his feet.

Nicky flipped the contents of his pan into a serving bowl and Joe moved around him to drop a packet of sausages into the pan to fry instead. They each ended the movement with their arms stretched out, facing away from the other. A perfect finishing pose, a bare handspan apart. Joe shook the pan this time, and the movements began again. Joe was that bit wilder in his motions; Nicky that bit more awkward. Nile gave up trying to guess, and leaned towards Andy.

‘What in God’s name are they doing?’ 

Andy snorted a laugh, but leaned in conspiratorially anyway. 

‘They’re fighting about something,’ she said, low and quiet in Nile’s ear, a laugh playing around in her voice. ‘Whatever it is, they’ve decided to resolve it with a dance-off.’

Nile leaned back, looking at Andy in blatant disbelief. In the six months she’d spent with them, she’d seen Joe and Nicky have a handful of arguments. Nothing terribly important, usually just frayed tempers and the natural quarrels that crop up between people, even people who seem to exist as two halves of the same heart. They dealt with them in very usual fashions too, skipping between passionate arguments and icy silences maybe a little quicker than other people would have, but without knowing what she did, she could have mistaken them for any other young couple. They never slept apart though, she had noticed, no matter how much they argued during the day. Without fail, neither of them fell asleep until Joe’s nose was tucked against the base of Nicky’s skull. She had found it comforting, a keystone in her new life. Her world was unmoored, but each night Nicky fell asleep holding Joe’s wrist, and both of them said goodnight to her and Andy first. This was the strangest method of arguing she had ever seen. 

‘How will a dance-off solve anything?’ she asked, finally finding her voice again. Andy laughed, a quiet hiccough of sound. Joe and Nicky continued to move together in the kitchen, although Nile didn’t recognise the dance this time. A foxtrot, possibly. Nicky was falling further behind the beat Joe was setting with every step. 

‘It won’t,’ said Andy firmly, but low, careful to keep her voice from carrying across the open plan room. ‘Nicky can’t dance. He tries, and to be fair to him, he is getting better. It’s been 800 years though and he still can’t keep a beat unless Joe is counting.’

Nile raised an eyebrow at her, and then looked back towards the kitchen. Whatever new dance they had started as Nicky tipped crushed tomatoes into the pan with the sausages and Joe threw handfuls of herbs in, Nicky was clearly starting to struggle. His jaw was clenched, a muscle in his cheek twitching as he tried to match his footwork to Joe. Joe, on the other hand, was moving his body fluidly, but now that she knew to look for it, she could see that he was telegraphing his movements less; his hips were more contained, she could read the beat in his body but only as he hit it, not before.

‘Why are they having a dance-off if Nicky can’t dance?’ 

Andy snorted again and lifted Nile’s empty mug from her hands again before she spoke. 

‘Nicky doesn’t like to lose, but he can’t resist a challenge. Whatever they’re arguing about must be something serious.’ Andy stood and crossed the room, stepping elegantly between Joe and Nicky as though she’d always been part of the dance. She poured a fresh coffee, and returned the same way, turning gracefully with Joe as he moved around Nicky. Nicky’s cross expression grew more obvious, his lips twisting with it. She was still laughing as she sat back down next to Nile again, taking a sip from the coffee before handing it over. Nile folded her fingers around the mug, grateful for the warmth. The room was chilly, but the breakfast Nick and Joe were cooking smelled delicious, and the companionship was warming her from the inside. Joe winked at her over Nicky’s shoulder. 

Nicky flicked the gas off. Joe crossed behind his back, and as one they raised their hands and clapped once. Nile resisted the urge to applaud, and was glad she didn’t when they started moving again almost immediately, this time dancing quickly around each other as they got plates and cups and cutlery ready. Nicky was looking increasingly distressed (as much as he ever did with his calm face and big cow eyes) as he tried to keep up with Joe’s movements. Nile felt a little mean, but a tiny voice in her mind was laughing at seeing a centuries old warrior start to dance like a white guy at a wedding. Joe’s serious face was cracking, a shit-eating grin breaking out in little bursts before he got himself under control again. 

Two quick steps each and Nicky placed the skillet on the table seconds after Joe laid down a trivet. A twist, a turn, and Joe set down a pitcher of water a beat after Nicky placed the matching glasses. Step, step, and Nile and Andy watched with bated breath as Nicky tried to follow Joe in an ambitious spin only to catch his ankle at the last second, tripping out of step with a smothered yelp. With a triumphant laugh Joe caught him around the waist, sweeping him into an awkward dip. Nicky groaned, deep and annoyed in his throat, covering his face with his hands as Joe rubbed his beard against him, laughing all the while. 

‘But I don’t _want_ to go to the match Joe— it’s cold and wet outside,’ Nicky’s voice was as close to a wail as Nile had ever heard from him, and she had to bite her knuckles to keep from laughing. Andy wasn’t so kind, and her cackles filled the room. ‘And it’ll be even worse up north, why does it have to be Partick Thistle? Why couldn’t you support a team from a warm country? Even Rome would be preferable!’ 

Joe swung Nicky upright again, holding him close even as he tried to wriggle away. Not very hard, it had to be said. Nile knew if Nicky truly wanted away he’d already be free. She could see where he dropped his hands to wrap gently around Joe’s waist. It was sweet, really, that he played up his reactions so clearly to entertain his husband. Joe looked delighted as he continued to rub his beard against every soft bit of Nicky’s skin he could reach, laughing as Nicky swore at him in a language Nile wasn’t even sure had ever existed except between the two of them.

‘You’ll have a great time, _ya amar_. I’ll get you a scarf, and we’ll have terrible sweet tea from a snack truck, and we’ll get you a picture with Kingsley and it’ll be just the best day you’ve ever had.’ Joe punctuated each promise with a kiss, but Nicky still gave a terrible groan, pulling his face away from Joe’s affection with the longest-suffering look imaginable. Nile looked at Andy, who was laughing so hard she wasn’t even making a noise anymore. When Andy noticed her looking, she shook her head, too overcome to explain, and Nile finally gave in, laughing at Andy’s rosy cheeks; Nicky’s unusual dramatics, and Joe’s expansive, ridiculous glee at beating his husband in the single strangest dance-off Nile had ever seen. 

Breakfast was cold when they finally got to it, and the toast had burnt a little around the edges, but it was delicious all the same.

**Author's Note:**

> Continuing my 'Joe the Partick Thistle fan' agenda. It worked on [Tess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewalrus_said/pseuds/thewalrus_said), it'll work on you.
> 
> Hope you had fun! If you did, a kudos or comment if you have the spoons would mean the world to me c: 
> 
> Catch me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/raedear_writes) and [tumblr](https://raedear.tumblr.com)


End file.
